Where I vent and confide...

2008-12-30T08:07:00.000-08:00

this is yet another one of those last entries of the year. Its human nature to do this every once in awhile, refect and set new resolutions.

this year was a weird one, a different one. and to complete it, it'll end on a weird note, stuck somewhere six hours away.

Its this feeling that im leaving it all behind and flying off. And when im back ,it'll be a new year, filled with new places and yet another ride.
somuchtodoandtoomanyshouldhaves.

2008-12-30T03:07:00.001-08:00

I wont take it all back to relive it all someplace else. The very place that brought a low, had its days of highness and laughs. The very choice that seemed, senseless, stupid and dumb brought tonnes and tonnes of experiences, all jammed packed into two tiny years. Im glad it happened.

and thats the way i'd like 08 to end.

2008-12-30T03:06:00.000-08:00

"Do you think about old times?"
Well do you? A long pause and we eventually sigh and go oh wells dunno la. Heck.Its this front we all put up, its this thing we say to ourselves, that we weren't really friends anyway. They're mean and hurtful and fake and full of shit. PROBLEMS occured. BItching and loads of it. Words that got around, stuff that made us uncomfortable. We immediately dismiss them to find faults and overcast all those times we slacked around in school, teh-ping sessions, two hour breaks turned chatting session, bridge, debates on life and everything random and the oh my god we should really all be starting to study soon A's are in --- days talk,routines of malay stall and lunches and the rotating of plate keeping days, girls day,guys day, plotting of how we could get out of school to catch the sale/watch a movie/ have ice creme.Planning last minute shopping trips before mr toh's lesson. dinners and hanging out. bbq madness, where we insisted on quality food. study sessions and celebrations and tonnes of random stuff.

And somehow its weird how whenever we're in a similar setting like a bbq, we instantly get flashbacks of certain moments, look around and make a mental comparison of things. We then realise that hey, it was really quite fun back then and took back some shit we said. Its even funnier when two people witness a certain situation happening and immediately stop to turn and give each other a face, like ohmygod, were you thinking about the same thing? Like so and so.....
So basically we cannot help but keep looking back. And while we used to think it affected no one, it probably did hit everyone of us in a way or another, in different ways and small ways.
Its a waste really. And now when we look back ,we're thinking what problems? There wasnt really anything to pin point, it just happened and random hearings just intensified the divide. And things just rolled on.

And its kinda stupid really.

2008-12-17T07:23:00.000-08:00

no circles please.
they aren't fun

2008-12-11T11:49:00.000-08:00

inquisitions, questions, no answers.

weird-ed out.

realself?

2008-12-11T09:32:00.000-08:00

it got me thinking .

cycles
compulsion to repeat
reality theory
definitions
normality

relative concepts
determined by ones self exposure

godeeper.

2008-12-10T09:57:00.000-08:00

this is when life is seen in blocks. when time passes so fast , you sit up and wonder what the hell went on.

steve aoki was awesome.
loads and loads of catch up sessions.
town-ning
shopping
coffee.

thats pretty much it

letsnotthink

2008-12-04T01:19:00.000-08:00

crazy fun and tonnes and tonnes of oh my god's
and i think i have one or two answers.
damn but i wished i answered that last one.

it was insane.
a first really
but thanks to that im back =)

withouttimetoreact.
andgone.

2008-12-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

the question is
so what are you fearing?

doubts , blanks.
or merely logical reasonings that seems to go the other way.

wrecks. and dissappointments.
fear.
or maybe its merely old ways that'll catch up
an image that cant be kept up

undeniably, yes.
there's times over that cup of coffee on a rainy day
singularity seems to catch up
but a flick of an eye and it seems like thats the way it should be
cause the minute i'm in i yank myself out

am wondering if that'll stick.
cause yes, i've seen for too much of this played out
too many complaints from one too many friends
that it sucks .

but thats too much to take in
awkward mismatches.
gaps to bridge.

and one thing's for sure.
under the harsh light no one looks good.

andbythenitmightbetooscarytolook

2008-11-26T23:50:00.000-08:00

dunno which i hate more
having no idea why
or having to not get used to

an idea, an image, a song, a particular book and the countless things that are like the train stations.
rest stops and transient things.

ithinkthatswhatihatemost

2008-11-25T11:28:00.000-08:00

got time back.
time i wished i didnt have.

no idea which was worse.
sticky situations or sudden realizations
that somehow it all added up to nothing

its like a call to nowhere.

thenumbersdontworknomore.
andthatsucks.

ansatcmarathonwouldbegood.ormaybejustknockmeout.

2008-11-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

messy

yea you're damn right
cause its been this way for awhile

up down square straight
high low chills heat

keep on going
keep guessing

round and round the cherry tree
like kids in the garden

so hello friends.
my never failing friends
that bring me highs of euphoria and bright lights.

nevereverdone
nointentionfordefinitionseither.

2008-11-24T13:05:00.000-08:00

if there’s one thing that I’ve noticed
out of all the things I’ve seen
it’s that you can leave a footprint
in a place you’ve never been
and there’s barely time to look around
before you have to leave
and a mark upon the skin
is not enough to make you bleed

if there’s one thing that I’m keeping
out of all the things I’ve found
it’s that the best way to be heard sometimes
is not to make a sound
and the things we want the most
fetch not a penny nor a pound
and all it takes to find your feet
is just to stand your ground

if there’s one thing that I’m sure of
out of all the things I know
it’s that you can keep on going fast
I’ll still be going slow
and falling’s not that hard
when you’re starting out so low
and drowning’s not that bad
if you breathe and just let go
breathe and just let go…

(the wasted and the used things
the broken and abused things
all these small things
the treasured and the sacred things
the lost and the forsaken things
all these small things)

the audreys - small things

2008-11-24T12:54:00.001-08:00

kinda blurred out.
way out of my area there.
technically clueless.

sodontmindmynonsense.

2008-11-20T09:28:00.000-08:00

it hasnt really set in yet.
just many many walks around racks of clothes.
pretty, nice, sparkly . some horrifying , funny

morning rushes and coffee.
its been the same.

just maybe i think i got a little too used to some stuff.

funnybuttrue.
once again, when the common thread snips
does the ends fray and come off as drips and drabs of random lines?

2008-11-18T08:58:00.000-08:00

i'm done - in more ways than one.

soletsjusttakeitasitcomes.

2008-11-14T10:11:00.000-08:00

its like the multiple shots that you have to take.
big gulps of colourless nonsense.

you down them, walk away
and deal with it later when it fks up your insides.

2008-11-14T04:39:00.000-08:00

ever tried yanking the tablecloth underneath all the china?
one split of a second, you're wishing you'll pull the same stunt that guy on tv did.
the red satin cloth in one hand, and everything on the table in place.

well hardly.

usually it messes up .
the faster you try , the harder you pull,
it ends up on the floor quicker.

its like the deeper you go,
the more dirt you dish,
and the worse it all gets.

sometimes maybe things are still best left unturned.
its easier that way.
no?

flood lights,
harsh
blinding lights.

disregard.
like an old play.
back in 1987.

its a waste.
and seems like there's nothing left to do.

this probably is and should be the last we hear of all this

cause there's no point finding all the answers
and pointing out everything that's past and long over
cause sometimes, all it needs is an action, a sentance, or an entire conversation
to finally realise the state things have degenerated into.
cause when it becomes a free for all on the table,
there's nothing left to say.
cause the day those words spilled
we knew.
cause in the end, the sentance will be thrown around,
we werent much anyway.
cause in the end, it doenst matter.

it says alot.

notimeturningforme
itsscarywhenthelightsfinallycomeon

2008-11-12T09:28:00.000-08:00

and when i walk out the gate for the last time next week
it'll all be like this distant dream.
a blur

this is how it ends up mostly.

no thoughts really, just backtracking.
tonnes and tonnes of things that didnt matter.
in the end, its back full circle.
point one.
back to not knowing.
its funny how you walk round the world
and in the end your displacement really is zero
and thats whats life's about,
displacements.

and this time im not gonna package it up and tie it with a ribbon
cause really, the ending sucks.

two years in and everything is a flash.
one year later came
and no, the plans don't stick
its a page out of my planner
and thats all it'll be

we'll forget like how we all conveninently did a week back
then it hits us
when the pillar falls,
the buildings too

and no, maybe its not supposed to matter, really
cause it wasnt that big a thing
or was it.
for a moment, it caught me
we'll see

let'sbacktrackrewindandmaybei'lldoitalloveragain

2008-11-08T23:13:00.001-08:00

weird weird weird.
thats how it is.
its funny how its all made to be.
one moment you're up and about,
next thing you know,
you;re slumped on the seat.
you dont move cause you know something's up
constantly shifting,
adjusting.
its still not working and
its never happened before.
so what now?

i've spoken about leaving
but i didnt mean THAT soon.

pleasedontfkmeupnow.
causethistimeyou'vereallygotmescaredouttamywits

2008-10-31T09:44:00.000-07:00

someone's personal message read this
'my future income level will be determined in the next 20 days or so'

how apt.

and im sitting here wondering if i'll ever get past it.

gone
dreams burnt.
flushed away down the river
that flows along.

no,its never going to be the same.
it'll show- soon enough.

2008-10-08T06:11:00.000-07:00

"It is man's nature to be eternally dissatisfied, constantly to advance, without relief or rest, toward an indefinite goal. "

---------------------------

Its been trippy.
Slipping into old paths.

timetoturnoffthepsychedelictunes.

2008-10-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

an attempt to focus and think straight turned into blasts of music and more haziness.
an induced intoxication from songs that didnt matter.
day became night and it was all good.
for a moment .

then it went down to everything wrong, funny and weird.

there's this belief that it'll be all good 50 odd days from now.
We'll see.

2008-09-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

its that buffer time between the current tune and the next one
the jarring beats closes to none.
a space in between
unease.

its that split of a second when the sound of moving machine dips to nothingness,
the zooming train slows
noises fade
void.

----

a 20 minute ride home. weirdly familiar yet funny.
for the first time, there wasn't any preoccupation.
no paper in hand or random article,
phone stashed away.
its was the roaming of thoughts
and all things random
the first in a long long while.

---

She was awake in a foreign place
her mind, her eyes wide open.
no explanation, reason or logic.
Her actions driven by spontaneity.
Wires in her brain mushed up.

A flash of movements and something causes her insides to freak.
connections, threads and images , jumbled and formed.
and she's struggling to find an answer.
A reason and an explanation that would make it fit into an equation.

her life order now failed to fit the old mould.
too many nips and tucks.
one too many alterations
displacements.
there's no floor.
she's floating.
like when one too many small little white things get to her insides

wires trip and break,
switches open and close.
highs and lows of a pendulum swing.

hot and cold.
the soup and the coffee
burning and bland.

stuck in a cycle.
jaded.

wheredoesthisgo?

2008-09-25T06:01:00.000-07:00

they say that its always dangerous to let the bridge down.
always risky to to open the gates.
and maybe they're right

cause when things feel too at ease,
when it seems too in place,
chances are, they're signs pointing to the the next hail.

-------------------------

everything's oddly out of place.
her steps, wide strides that never stops.
the only thing constant is the playlist on the ipod.

and she's worn down.
her mind running from one point to another.
even in the midst of a question,
she;s thinking about something else.
and no this time, its not the outfit for tonight.

---------------------------

its that open feeling,
when its all hung to dry.
sucks that it has to be like that
that it has to be frayed this way.

and next week ,
when the last straw is pulled,
all the cards will be out.
no more secrets.
yet again , maybe.

cause we'll keep going.
-------------------------

i need my ground.

2008-09-21T03:46:00.000-07:00

there's this thing that draws her to the screen .
an impluse to tap on the keys

she was pacing,
her mind racing to rearrange
she was finally put in place.

its that tingling at the back of her spine
that settles at the pit of her stomach

swept out of place,
too far out.
a desperate attempt to gain ground.

days, weeks it didnt matter
she was stuck on something
and it isnt right

she's willing herself to look the other way
things are fine
and thats how its been

just a little too much of getting used to
yes, just a little.

2008-09-21T00:27:00.000-07:00

the morning after.
of clear heads and the smell of fog
stained jeans,
and a slight enlightenment

its funny how the night ends
never should have looked so close.

perhaps its just an over reliance
just like the painkillers and the bubbly.
its too easy
to slip into ease.

timetostand
faceup

yetireallyhavenoideawhatsgoingon.

2008-09-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

maybe its not it
too much of reading into.

don't want another wreck on my front door,
another carcass, ripped and torn.
shredded.

lost to the icy winds
and pricks.

no, i don't want it to be this way.

destructorofallthingsperfect.

wreck

2008-09-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

sentances that weren't completed.
a smile and turn of heads.
no indication of where to.

that's how it is.

----------------------------------
then take a shot,
music at the background,
just dance.

no judgement
the same faces.
boring night
content
years.
nothing changed.

ilikeitlikethat

-----------------------------

a night ago was pretty bad
sea breeze
waves
random calls
it was sucking us in.

somehow under the dim lights
dirt was spilled
shock, anger and finally the fickle-ness of things showed itself

all four, replaced.

words thrown around
like it didnt matter,
a year and a half,
backspaced.

and we all walked out,
all smiles

perfect.

the way they all wanted it to be

and the paint was peeling slowly,
faces cracked.

more high-ness and laughs,
then shrungs
some choose to look away.

guts churned,
it made us sick,
we felt like puking.

in the end,
we didnt stir shit

life's philosophy,
let it be

and it shall

time to hit the lights.
cue start.
centre light 1.

" So, you having fun?"

2008-09-18T07:59:00.000-07:00

weird dreams of late.
thoughts.
something was being pulled in,
caught in the web.
she wasnt sure if she was being selfish
things were going to get sticky.

andtheresalwaysabettertimeforthis

2008-09-16T09:04:00.000-07:00

slipping in and out of the light
once, twice, letting things get into her hand.
at 8 in the morning it was blury,
the walls were moving and her head heavy.
one too many small little things that fked up her insides.
she was mad.

and thank god for the few people who were there,
who stopped her from finshing a line.

im grateful

yougainsomeandlosesome.

2008-09-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

this is when it all fks up.

2008-09-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

tripped.
the green went, then the blue, now the red.
now there's just that big power cable,
waiting to burn.

---------------------------------------

2008-09-11T21:08:00.000-07:00

a gathering of some sorts
good laughs, nails, remininscing, sangria

then neon colours and flashing lights
a plastic bottle
drama

and yes we saw it coming

unrestrained beats
forgone expectations

a system cleared.

socomesayhi

2008-09-07T11:44:00.000-07:00

starting now....

so much easier to sink in and dig deep.
yet this time round,
the deal sticks.

i'm done.

timetogo

2008-09-07T11:39:00.000-07:00

in a constant move, the places and faces never the same.
when the linking thread and common problems fade,
they rearrange.
-friendly accquaintances that finally give a nod of the head.

change

no more fighting the waves and pushing through
ease follows.

iron fist on a silver ball.
break.
oil on water.
torn.
cystals on a wedding dress.
fall.
cigarette burn on a white dress.
stay.
coffee stains on a tablecloth.
perfect.

2008-09-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

each time, the same place, same winds and the bright city lights that sparkle.

preoccupation only got her that far. one night of movies, food, people, clothes, bags and sweets. then it came, that sudden pang in her stomach.

and she slept, to wake up and rush down for a cup of warm comfort. seems like the only thing that stood still regardless of place and time was her coffee.

venti caramel machiato made her morning.

and it was an aimless day yet again.

like the last few.

mindless activities that aimed to find ease.

here she goes again.
one mad rush after dawn breaks.

andyesyouguyswereright.itwasntgoingtohappen.
allshecouldthinkofwastosleepandwakeupandwalkandsleepagain.
allherprioritiesflusheddownthesink.

2008-08-27T06:14:00.000-07:00

a streak painted across her face, like rain-trails on the windowpane.
its the clear blue sea and the trees. the horizon a bleak long line that seems endless.

driftwood.
hold on too long, grab too many,
and you sink.
your fingers slip
and you're thinking what's wrong.
your feet's not on the ground,
and your hands are suddenly free.
its a long way down and it's endless.

whenitsallapileofdisasterwaitingtohappen.
timetocrashandburn.

2008-08-20T23:37:00.000-07:00

and we'll keep pretending...

that we're a bunch of happy people that've spent two years hanging out and having fun. yes, with multiple gatherings and lunches and dinners and movies. Where we all actively particpate in the classroom and display our enthusiam for class activities by simply not turning up.

its funny how we like to package the final episode into one happy ending, where we weep and sing 'graduation' and talk about how we'll be 'friends forever'.

and the truth is, there are still people in the midst that havent even went past saying hi and giving a nod in acknowledgement to the people we've spent about two years in a box with. and the only time we ever agree of something- is when we can't wait to get out of the box we're stuck in.

the ring of the bell and its all back to normal.

andthatshowlifeis.
-----------------------------------------------------------

filling tables. prearranging seats. planning.

done to avoid yet another awkward scenario where you're placed with a familiar stranger, have nothing to say and start gulping water.

and yes, im another one of those table-fillers.

2008-08-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

seems to me like school's been optional. everyday's about asking around whose going to be there. its funny how school's been reduced to be. you walk in, hopefully learn something and then walk right out. its all about opportunity costs, priorities and independence.

------------------------------------------------------

for a moment now, its been just the books. and thankfully a few friends that've made studying that little less dead. oh yes and coffee. that aside its all been pretty much still.

the tide's gushing up shore and bringing in the shells. and it a second, it washes it all back into sea. in the midst, its floating, rested on the ripples. waiting for the next tide to wash it ashore.

2008-08-10T09:11:00.000-07:00

the mood on every 9th august seems to change every year. This year was one with no fireworks, weird lows, silences and rain. this time it was just the books.

Driving through the crowd at city hall was nostalgic. Everything became a blur of colours and lights. i remembered two years back when it was a feel good evening with lots of fun and laughter, candy floss and fireworks.Random thoughts about the future and how things would turn out. Two years later came, and things have changed much.

A year ago was a day spent playing and hanging out with new found team-mates. Doing crazy things and squeezing through the crowd. It wasnt too bad. Just that it happened to be a day when i was feeling sick and in pain. Ha. Yes and i remember the train ride there.

So this year was just weird. Half the time, i didnt know what to say, so i kinda just spaced out and stared at my book. Maybe it was just the coffee, or the pigeons, or just me being strange.

----------------------------------------

Misjudged.

its crazy when people think something of you that's completely insane.

They think she's really warped and mad. And maybe she's just playing their game, showing them what they want to see.

---------------------------------------

2008-08-05T07:11:00.000-07:00

yet another one of those days.

where i try and be normal. where i try and not run. And in the end, i stop a metre short from the table and go " can we not?"
and i'm back at where i started.

Its crazy viewing the number of posts i've randomly added over this short month or so. i'm wallowing in the lows of the highs of many nights ago. tam's 7 hours away and there goes my saturday night plans.

i see the weirdness. and i dont mean for it to be like that. but i know not of other means of reacting. i just stop , turn around and keep walking. and that's how it's gonna go until when we are back to status co.

sitting on my pile of work, physics revision and lots and lots of maths. but i cant seem to get my hands off my laptop and reach for my bag i'm pretty alright with wasting life away. 2 and a half weeks to prelims.

This is going to be so so fun.

2008-08-01T09:22:00.000-07:00

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

2008-07-28T05:23:00.000-07:00

Willing yourself to believe in something and feeling it in real time is two vastly different things. Today, it both crossed paths and my insides churned. After all the psyching and clearing of my insides, i thought i was done and ready. i guess not.
i still felt like dashing, am still a free running electron finding something to collide into. and finally i crash and burn.

maybe i didnt care about everything. i'm just conveniently a catalyst, bringing forward the reaction. somehow, in theory im supposed to come out untainted, just like the original compound. yet, i feel weirdly different and displaced. got led into another world. and in this one, i've no idea what i am.

and im supposed to be happy. yes.

andimstillwillingmyselftobelievethat.

2008-07-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

AFTER bad-ass apple shishas, everything got cleared out of my system. And i'm not complaining cause kfc wasnt that great. So thank god the greasy mess didnt end up anywhere. In place of it was all time feel good coco crunch with milk =) Really think my parents should leave me alone once in awhile. it does me good cause when im alone, i do the things they wished i'd do. i dont leave the house with a mess in my room and plates left all over. instead i made sure everything was tidied up, clean and swept before i headed out. As for the food,instant noodles didnt make the cut. Everything i craved for, wanted since forever was satisfied. It's so weird that i actually enjoyed getting my lazy arse up to finally whip up something decent. So yes, my get fat weekend is a success. awesome chicken salad, baked salmon and pasta, pancakes, nachos and cheese. oh yes, lets not forget the wine =)

and after tonight it seems like i can really do without the fog in my life. Like weiqi said, maybe i should just clear it out of my system, face up and get going. whatever that meant. i just gotta stop trying to hide/avoid/run. it'll probably makes things worse.
So yes, hi friend =D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From here, its just an overdued post from the week. More light shed. But let's just say, under the harsh lighting, nobody looks good.

I'm just convinced as the day passes that where i'm at, the people don't stick around much. And when they do, it's just a transient phase where they're waiting for the next fun. Seems like its all about calculated gains and conveniences. When the scales are tipped, that's about as far as it goes. More weird looks, funny moods and then silence. If you care to look around, its how everything has degenerated to be. Sudden revealations and notice under the bright white light. No longer fun and games. Cause yes, all the outbursts of emotions and profanities are real, silent walk aways and behind the scene debates. Yes, we'll keep pretending, we'll look away. But we sure know it's happening.

sayitintomyface.

2008-07-22T07:02:00.001-07:00

it was weird this afternoon. one of those moments that had all my emotions mushed up. Really had enough of those sudden pangs of frustration, despair, anger and doubt. When i start picking up small thoughts that form their own image. 45 mins of me and radioactive decay, i was fighting to be normal again. a smile i knew i had to make. it got me thinking, what if everything was a convenience.and that we were all people brought together by sheer luck and somehow stuck in a place. people who sometimes hung around with a little more interests in common. cause how much do we really care, how much do we really bother. and really how much do we all know about each other, apart from the stress in school. its sad , its scary. wished somehow things werent like that. but it seems like thats how life's made up to be.
----------------------------------------
dont mind my melodramatic thoughts. god knows what's up with me these days. my wire gets tripped alot, im a little if-fy. and once again im reminded of how big a slut i was. im sorry. it all shouldnt have happened. i know im being selfish but somehow i wished i'd be free of it all. i dont want to be the reason for anything, dont want to be the cause. and im sorry i fked things up bad. call me a loser, but im just gonna hide for awhile now. let me stay low and dont ask me questions. cause really i dont know what in the world i want to or can do. i know i need to answer to myself, but im quite sure that can wait. cause im done thinking. done reminding myself of the mess i stirred. one night of fun turned into quicksand. sucks to be like that.

2008-07-20T08:20:00.000-07:00

it doesnt get any easier and i'm done pretending. got enough of the im okay's and i'll be fine. cause yes maybe im not and i dont know when i'll be and i dont want to think about it. Done with figuring out cause really, there isnt much to it. I'm gonna take each day as it comes and see how long this goes on. we'll see how next week goes and if this pretending works then i'll play on. then maybe i'll say i'm fine . And like the ten other shows i've put on, it'll be flawless.
in a few weeks time, i'll be back. no more sudden moodswings, and weird ramblings that no one seems to get. i'll be the skeptic, the realist .i'll be me again. cause there's really nothing to the sugar coated fairytales.
itstoolatetoapologize.
-------------------------------------------------------------
no more nonsense. cause everytime that happens im embarressed. like it shouldnt happen and im not me. like somehow it was meant to be done when no one's looking. People probably think im a sucidal wreck. and yes some think im on drugs. yea someone pass me some Xanax.

2008-07-16T07:34:00.001-07:00

she once again gave the partial story away. this time to a friend she felt deserved to know. someone who genuinely wanted to help. an hour of talk, old trenches dug, yet she felt like she was okay. there was a calm in her words as she retold what she felt. like maybe it was a story she read, something she saw on tv.

it somehow worked. when she finally saw where things were heading and the mess she created, she somehow sorted things out. sorted herself out.

someone told her this today, "walk the line, but don't cross it."
and maybe she'll listen

it'llpasssomehow.

2008-07-15T10:04:00.000-07:00

seems like i conjured a storm. suddenly, it sparked a chain of reactions that i wasnt sure i was ready for. in the semi-conscious state of spinning floors and a hurting head , it all went wrong. im convinced of that. cause no one, no one deserves to be part of the nonsense i stirred.

let this end.

it never was the plan. if only i took the effort to sober up and realise there and then that it was insane and uncalled for. cause for months, status co was cool.

now i wished it was all a dream. that it never happened and things were normal.
cause now i see it all. and i wish it isnt this way.

one talk and things changed . sudden realization sucks.

im sorry. sorry i dragged everyone in this. i should learn to keep my mess to myself.

2008-07-14T05:44:00.000-07:00

it all happened, too quick, too fast and too soon. in a moment of rashness, it all come tumbling down. karma's coming around and biting her in the ass now. she knows it. she finally was on that other end.

things were fine. that was what she thought at least. cause maybe it was going to get better. yet somehow when she wasnt looking , it all came back. flashbacks she thought were buried, and words she thought she'd forget. its weird how life puts you in that position. cause somehow, somewhere along the day, you;ll see, hear and feel more clearly then you want. then you know you;re screwed. cause the hours spent buliding yourself up just crumbles and go to waste. one image and a thousand connections. everywhere there seemed to be a moment. she has nowhere to turn. words that were supposed to be comforting ended up raking the things of the past. yet she didnt want to forget and couldnt bear to snip the threads.

every corner seemed to have a piece of it. something good enough to take her away. even the walk home through the door seemed tough. cause she rememebered every word, every feeling, every emotion.

yet she knew there was no way out. she knew she was the one that fked up. and that perhaps sorry was sorry.

and even though things could have gone awry in the short span of the 7 hours and they could've just caved in and lived. she knew, it would've made things worse. and no, she didnt want to be a bitch.

ifonlytimefroze.

2008-07-12T23:20:00.000-07:00

drama came in all forms. the road to turning eighteen was a tough one. shouts and screams and loads of emotions. no i didnt get wasted and drunk, much less high. it was a low although i tried so hard to get stoned in someway downing cups of iced tea. well yes cause i knew i needed to straighten things out quick, real quick. cause despite everything that's going on., i still have my A's to sit for.so someone, anyone, splash water on me.

i'm sitting in my room wasting life and letting the seconds go by. sedated and tired but the thoughts dont shut down . (maybe its just the medication). things took an unexpected turn for me. cause no, i've never imagined this day to be like that. me deciding not to be near loads of people, hanging about town. no. even coffee at liat isnt drawing me out. okay i tried that yesterday and it didnt work. and maybe things just changed over time and im taking it all in now. no this so isnt the same compared to a few years back when i knew who and how i wanted to spend this day . cause maybe in this time such things dont happen anymore cause we all move on too fast ,too soon.

it sucks to be emofied cause im usually a realist that doesnt believe in the world's bountiful of emotions , r/s drama and honey-coated things.

yetimyearningforacottoncandyandacarouselride

2008-07-12T00:56:00.000-07:00

maybe, just maybe. i lied. i was smiling. yes. but i knew of nothing else to do. there were no solutions cause this time round, the ending was written. and somehow we're inserting a chapter in between. this is going to be a tough one. no end. threads snipped yet frayed. no . it seemed like closure never came.

in a room of 2beds, three pillows and three blankets. seconds passing and nothing. there's no feeling of enlightenment as the time draws near. not any wiser, not any older. maybe, a little clearer but still drifting. in and out of life. in and out of thoughts and nothing. they draw to a blank. its like wasting life away and that feeling is scary.

2008-07-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

what can i say. never, never in my life have a felt it so real. in a semi state of soberity, when i was certain the room was a blur, it swept me away. took me by the arms and brought me home. it was like a void finally opened and engulfed the room with its sheer emptiness and loss. took control of even the gulps of colourless liquid that seemed to scorch and burn. facing up to something hidden so deep, it felt like it was unreal. who would've thought, who would,ve imagined. there were no more hi, bye politeness. it ripped me away. And i let it flow. the streams that seemed never ending. i;m sure half a shirt was stained and half a person was struck with the craziness of sudden realization. it was all happening wrong but it didnt matter. cause at that time when dawn was breaking, it seemed like time stopped and the room stopped spinning. and i knew.

it was missed chances and bad timing. and the fked up whirlwind of situations that made everything seem wrong.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

once again perched at the low of the nights high, im on the edge of turning legal. seems different this time. real different. i no longer see the end of it all. maybe, just maybe i'll fk up and waste my life. that portion of self-evaluation shall be reserved if need be for next year. right now, i just know of straightening things out and getting things back on track. no fog, no mist, no drinks. just me.

on a lighter note, it was one hell of a night. last night raised the standard for cheesy sleepovers. one bottle of malt, one-eigth of a bottle of coffee and a bottle of fruit juice was all it took to get four people talking at the top of their voices, crazilly laughing, grabbing feets, crawling, leaning and all four stood away from their usual personas. there were no masks, just truth and in your face realness. shooters and ladders, question and answer, toilet, puke bin, weird mumblings, hot honey. these i'll take with me. and three months from now, we'll be here again finally feeling free.

dontsayimsorry

2008-07-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

just when she thought it was all going fine. they just had to come around and pass judgements. yea okay i get it now thank you. just keep on telling me im a wreck on the road to shitsville and screwing up my A's. i'm not muddleheaded or on drugs and gone. i sure as hell know what the fk im doing.

Call me whatever you one, a wild child, a whore, a slut and what not. I'll live with it.

somuchforcandycoloredthoughtsandwords

2008-07-06T09:23:00.000-07:00

The night was fun and crazy and refreshing. =) Met a few comical chracters through the night and everything went up from there. Although hiding tam in a curtain wasnt fun at all, an hour later things were fine and the both of us got the vibes to party the night away. For the first time i wasnt on the outside looking in and judging. Feeling displaced and foreign. This time it was different. Two really good friends having all the fun they can have. Funny thing was two groups of totally different people crossed paths and for the first time it wasnt her feeling underage but tam feeling old. People were high and impressions were tossed aside. The night seemed young and we partied till the sun came up.

Its times like these that i wish time would stand still and i'm moving in and out of the state of semi-consciousness.

The day minus the drama in the afternoon with crazy couple was good. I now know why im single. I can't do drama in the morning with tons of people looking in on the street. Its crazy.

2008-07-05T03:17:00.000-07:00

It feels like a breath of fresh air. A break from the monotony and routine of recent years. A day with no expectations and aim in mind. It felt weirdly strange yet familiar- like finding an old memento from years ago. Sudden surprises were the things that made the day. It seemed like the old times and she was unchanged. And now she's merely living in the moment of a newly found foothold in life. Living each day on sudden impulses and acting on each and every thought. A mere four hours later, her life seemed organised. Not a complain about the hours of packing, dumping and sorting. And she realised, for once she felt better clear and sober.

Or maybe they're just meant for other days =)

2008-07-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

Sucks to be in a room , cold, sickly and pink. Filled with many others who are waiting. Some of them frail, others worried and some irritated. Sucks not knowing and waiting. Just grateful that i got out of that place fast enough and only need to go back in a months time. No , im not dying. That's all i know. That;s whats on the surface at least.

-------------------------

Never contemplated the possibility of an alternate life. One i once thought would be cool to have. Freedom, complete control and irregard. Always thought it'll be no different from now. What's meeting once in a few months. As long as the money was good why not right? But no.

Have never dreaded the possibility of anything more than this. Images starts clouding my head. How it'll all be like. What was going to happen to the already thin ice. Just like the freezer thats not really working, it might never be fixed. Ice eventually melts and it all dies out. The thought of things being more fragmented then it already is just isnt even thinkable. i'll be a hollow shell walking in and out of the door. And i sure as hell know i won;t have any expectations to live up to and for. And before i know it it'll be all fuzzy and i wont even know where i am.

This time it is going to be fate and destiny and whatever else bullshit that let things happen the way they do. They'll decide now, and i'll smile and say its cool.

TheycomeinallquietsweepupandthentheyleaveAndyoudon'thearasinglefloorboardcreak

2008-07-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

Here it comes in the morning
I'm just trying to forget
Keep it real, keep it simple
Somehow just get out of bed
And this city is endlesss
I'm as cold as a stone.
Yeah this city is endless
And i'm walking alone.

Sunlight creeps in between the curtains
Lose the sheets there's no time for sleep
I lie, i pretend til i'm almost certain
Its a beatiful world

I wanna ask for directions
But i dont dare to disturb
I got a thing with affections
Yeah that's why i;m walking alone

Sunlight creeps in between the curtains
Lose the sheets there's no time for sleep
I lie, i pretend til i'm almost certain
Its a beatiful world

Here it comes in the morning...
Sunlight creeps in between the curtains
Lose the sheets, there's no time for sleep
I lie, i pretend til i'm almost certain
Its a beautiful world

Beautiful World- Carolina Liar

2008-07-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

That one step was a huge one. No caving in and deciding to get up and go. Whatever that seemed like fun fizzled like a bottle of new soda. And in a few seconds, dies out. Cause maybe it really aint so cool, aint so fun and aint so right. Cause perhaps for some things there's no arguing, no way of making it sound right. Escapism probably is no reason for self-destruction. And yea, its not going to go down well on some of the people. No matter how hard a person argues about being who they really are, when they cross the blurred line, they do and they never return. And when they finally want a U-turn, the door closes and the people move on. Then it all goes downhill from there - just perfect.

-----------------------------------------------------

The day was good. Many good laughs and coffee at liat. How so long ago that was. Really thought it was all gone into the dark. So it was good. No drinks, no fog, no running. Just there, with the tunes of duffy and the people walking by. Letting everything just settle and sink. It aint so bad afterall. And im sure fun will come when i genuinely want it. When its not for others, and for me.

2008-07-01T12:27:00.000-07:00

Seems like the night stood still and she's stuck with it. Seems like 2 cups of coffee. She's sober, awake and stuck with nothing much to do. A sudden probe led her way back into the past, the present, the future and back again - where everything's messed up and she deems herself unfit to make any life altering decisions.

She's living day after day on a blank state. Thriving on one cup of coffee in the morning to get her going. She's claiming that she's trying to figure stuff out. But what exactly? At many points in time, people walk into her life to walk right out, and the ones who stay seem to be only the same faces.Some of them make her feel empty and regret, some make her laugh. And once in awhile someone halts to take a stroll, drop her a few words. They all sound the same. "You're one wild child" , "crazy shit". "i'll never let my --------(inserts anyone who is of a close relation) do such a thing" Well mainly they revolve around you're mad and get a grip on yourself.
She starts to wonder why, when, and how it all began and then realised that all her life she was never the same as anyone. She was never normal. Never someone anyone wanted they children to turn out. Never someone anyone seriously consisered for anything. So she grows up, seeing, feeling and going through random things that others may not or never. She starts to ponder about where all these will lead her. She;s probably made as many silly mistakes a 17 year old can- just probably stopped short of being in some gang and pregnant with a kid.

Went round in circles and no answers. She was just being fluid, letting life lead her. As long as it didnt involve anything lifethreatening, she was game. One day she was feeding on nothing but air and coffee, letting the void fill her up, the next day she was crazily working on her desk and the next she could be running about town trying to feel the vibes again. Perhaps the only thing that stayed constant throughout everything was the feeling of walking down town with the same girlfriend that has been with her since forever. The warm feeling of having to say nothing for that someone to get something. Giving each other the look and start laughing. Other than that, its been a journey for her, from one point to the other. Meeting people along the way, not sure if they;d be there one year later. Seems like she was constantly on a temp site where everything only stayed status co for a short while.

And maybe through it all, she's as sober as she can be. Clear headed and hurting. Seeing her reflection in the mirror and running. Because maybe she knows. knows what it's all doing to her but it didnt matter, cause nothing else did. Maybe she didnt derive any enjoyment, just escapism. Swirlled in the fog and drinks , she didnt have to answer questions- her own and others. Didnt have to figure stuff out. So she's living on the edge, taking everday as it comes. Cause she knows it can all end too quick and too soon. The empty feeling in a roomful of patients. She didnt want it. Didnt want to feel out there in the open- exposed.

So don't catch her while she's running, she might be too harsh, too weak, too insane to listen.... But yet again when isnt she?

2007-11-01T08:39:00.001-07:00

never knew what i've been waiting patiently for. it wasn't coming.

but at least now i think i see where the finishing line is. I'm almost done with round one.

one thread snipped . probably another 355 more to go.

tired.is an understatement.

2007-10-31T07:18:00.000-07:00

in and out..

i've been stepping in on my own life. Countless times i act like i'm an audience, watching the film flash by. Watching her laughs, smiles, tears and of course that emotionless face of hers. Her blank face, so beautifully seated. Yet beneath it are all the wonders, the roller coaster rides, the empty dark room feeling, rainy days, and that bus stop wait.

I watch as if i'm not her. I forget i'm actually in it. Feeling every heartbeat and prick of the finger. I hate it when i do that. Never gotten around to write like normal people. Like i had pw meeting today at my place and everyone turned up. It was alright. I'm just thankful it's ending and Jo is my grpmate. Life is boring. Okay that's an understatement. I never did get my life back. And that means so many more things then merely having a life, i'm talking about living in the moment. Okay see, i can't. I'll sidetrack and somehow end up writing in not so readable manners till my thoughts get jumbled up till i'm the only one that know what's going on.

What i need now is a rainy day, cup of coffee and i'm set. Or maybe i just need a feel movie to laugh it off.

No idea what's up. Everything seems iffy.

Okay maybe not. Its all in my head.

There's only one word for it, weird.

arghhh i'm so sickandtiredsickandtiredsickandtiredsickandtired

Its weird how i never see the ending. Like when you're finally done with something you thought would lift the clouds, you feel no different. You're stuck in that cycle where release seems like its never gonna happen.

And now release seems like the wrong word cause it's not stress.

okay i'm done.

2007-10-15T09:37:00.000-07:00

Its weird how I keep coming back. Back to mindless rantings and what not. A blink of an eye and this year is quickly coming to an end. All the wrong choices, paths gone awry... and now, one year into the life in a place i never knew i wanted to be.

Whatever happened to 'i'll get used to it'.

In fact i never did. With every shut eye, i see what could have been. My dreams and whatever i've worked for. The piece of paper now accounts for nothing. Only when you've stepped back, you finally see what you've been striving for the past years. All the hard work... just to end up where i am now. It's so painfully ironic that i can't help but laugh.

This wasnt how i saw this year to be. Never like how i imagined. It was like a wave came by and swept everything out of order.People i never imagined i'll meet and stay around with. People i never imagined i'd fall out, avoid and now slowing talk to like nothing ever happened.

This wasnt how we made out this year to be. All of us in different places, some of us near but far apart. I hate having to say this over and over. Harping on should haves and could be's. It sucks and i know it. In denial....

Slap me hard. This time don't hold anything back. This life a cycle, hectic yet mundane, painful yet pretty. So many things not done.

All this while, the burden seemed to be coming from the nearing papers that meant nothing. Now that it's over and all the dreams and wants and wishes could come into place - it doesnt. The relief that was supposed to come didnt. There doesnt seem to have an end to this. Perhaps.. Perhaps after this two long years, it would. And i'd finally reach that end point. Just so i could go on in search of another.

-------------------------------------------

It's dumb, this whole thing is. Starting from the place to how it all begun. I can't believe that i actually went into something like that and got caught up in the whole episode of it. It's crazy.

Causeidontevenknowwhotheheckyouare.

2007-06-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

I'm back.
Yet again perched on the hills, with the wind in my hair.
One place, many pasts.

I'm staring straight at the vast land ahead of me, trees and what nots.
Weirdly, i'm not looking for answers.
Well i guess i never have.

Time and time again,
i wrap it all up,
chuck it somewhere and its gone.
Along with last seasons glam rock.

I never needed answers to the things i already know
-----------------

The past week was really hectic, i was busy catching up with the life i missed out on - in more days then one.
Need i say more???

2007-05-31T10:58:00.000-07:00

Closure finally came.

Along with it, freedom and life.

Yet another shopping season =)

She's up for anything...

2007-05-31T10:53:00.000-07:00

amazing.

Sun, sweat, dirt.

One cup and many memories.

Itsallworthit =)

2007-05-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

Like a kid that refused to give in, she turned her back and walked away.
Once, she tried breaking out , letting down her wall, got shot and turned around.
_______________________________

It goes on.
We'll spite each other, feel messed up and never turn back.
Someone told me that's gonna happen.
Is it?
_________________________________

She was frustrated, tired and everything in between.
Only to realise that someone else went through the same thing for ten weeks.
The feeling of going through months, and now realising that it was another persons pain was painful
The truth hit hard and it hurt.
___________________________________

It's karma ain't it. Karma biting me in the ass now.

___________________________________

Running after something that came close and went away.

Don'trunofftoofar.I'llnevercatchup...

________________________________

It's the sucky feeling when you somehow see more then you need, feel more then you ought to. I feel it. I think i see the another me at the end of the line. That sucks .

2007-05-21T04:20:00.000-07:00

One glance and nothing seems the same. Somehow, there seems to be nothing more to say. Day after day, we're on the ever onward journey, leading our seperate lives.

The silence sweeps past and we're unmoved.

______________

Her face a blank canvas, white-washed . The tunes brings her back in line with her thoughts. Someone calls and she's back - wide smiles on her face.

She reaches out in vain, her words choked. There're things she didnt understand. Things she couldnt and wouldn't. The words replay in her mind...

______________

You're trying to say something and i'm listening. The lyrics says it all.

______________

She halts and reality crumbles. She realises she doesn't know where to go.

2007-05-21T04:08:00.000-07:00

It's the never ending chase, the tough climb up the slope - which might very well end up to nowhere...

The constant drive at the back of my head's pushing me forward, willing me to stay on. My knees are weak and my heart is frail, yet i go on. Under the hot blistering sun, scars on my knees. I'm still on it, trying to prove every worth of my existence.

It's tough when you're on display. Dust and cobwebs collecting. You're waiting for that next customer that comes through the door. "Pick me, pick me...

2007-05-06T09:08:00.000-07:00

I felt like killing myself ten times over three times last week.

Life just get's better doesn't it?

------------------------

One thing tumbles over the other. It's now a huge tumbling snowball ready to start an avalanche...

Whatever happened to plain and boring?

I liked it that way.

Letmegoandi'llfly

2007-04-29T08:34:00.000-07:00

When the fake paint starts to peel, real images surface.

The faded grey and scratched surface...

Politics politics politics...

When will we start to grow out of it?

Backstabbing and false fronts.

I think I can do them too - just that i think its beneath me.

Say it into my face bitch, dont go behind my back.

2007-04-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

hectic week, long days and endless deadlines practically sums up my past week.

The bus is moving on and im stuck here chasing after bus stops...

Coffee breaks at liat, random walks in town and strolls home are practically wiped out from my life now. It's so pathetic i feel bad even blogging about it.

INEEDAKICKASSWEEKEND!!!

````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

after awhile, once the fun and excitement fades...
the cloud clears and weariness sets in.

no idea where i'm heading - yet.

2007-04-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

She's always on the move, on a constant journey. Never stopping. Or should i say, she never did find a place to halt.

Familiarity and security, traded in for strange and different places. She suddenly realised, the people around her were not the usuals. The atmosphere and people different. Although the same tables and situation, all else was new. She was on another part of Singapore and somehow her skirt was much shorter.

Long gone were the days of people that knew her inside out. Days where she needn’t say a word, cause she was who she is, and they knew that. People that wouldn’t ask or say more but give her a smirk and an 'oh my god can you stop it' face for feeling what she was feeling. She remembered them cracking up jokes. They were irritating but nonetheless what made life interesting.

Long gone were the days of people working towards a common goal with competition pushed aside. The times where they shared everything and anything. Mdm neo's geog tips, Mr chye's work and of course the beloved ‘zuo ye’ that everyone loved. Times where everyone got everyone's back, covering up for them when they needed to. People shoving their answers halfway through the class to get a classmate out of shit from the teacher. Doing things for the benefit of people in class.

In the days of competition, it's every man for himself. A person’s downfall, another’s' success. Every gesture and information measured inch for inch, calculated in percentages to tabulate loss.

Is this the Ugliness of reality?

Its merely the truth unwrapped from the satin ribbons, sugary pink wrapper and nice little notes. =)

2007-04-08T08:31:00.000-07:00

I hate it when people try and tell me that its okay or there's no point brooding about it.

I sure as hell know that its gone for good.

Don't patronize me.

2007-04-08T07:58:00.000-07:00

Life's being a bitch now.

Some bloody son of a bitch stole my phone.
Lost my ALL my contacts, memory card in which contains years worth of picture, songs and stuff, handphone thingy and myself.

It sucks when its raining and you're standing alone figuring out the number you wanted to dial. When you realise everything was in something and that something was gone. When you only remembered two numbers which were of no help cause they were unanswered.

When you thought you could move on finally, finding your ground and all, life just decks out another pile of crap on you. When you thought your weekend was good, life just takes a turn and robs you of everything.

My phone got stolen and i think a part of me died. Im not being emo, its just the sudden jolt that woke me. Time after time, it just doesnt stop spinning. And i'm sick of trying to make everything right.

`````````````````````````````

I'm there but you're not.
You're there and i'm somehow missing.
Time and time again i try and get closer.
I can't.

My tone is harsh, words sparse.
There seems to be nothing left to say.

I'm talking to me in the mirror and it's not responding.

You're helpless and i'm lost.
We falter and both turn away.
Into silence we seek comfort.
In avoidance we seek hope.

Deluded-we try and psyche oursleves,
that it's all okay.

It's not and I don't know how to fix it.

2007-04-02T07:42:00.000-07:00

Monday was bad. The typical Monday blues where you're still hungover from the weekends. In comparision, its just so mindless, dead, boring and so-not-fun.

Im sitting down at breaks, squeezing my brains dry, trying to find something to do. The next moment, i give up, pluck in my earphones and plop my head down on the table. You wouldnt be wrong calling me a living zombie.

I know, its depressing.

-------------------------------------

When we're just living shells, are we void of emotions? Would we be so emotionally disconnected that we find out one day that we can no longer feel for the ones we felt for, that we are no longer the same.
Its scary when it becomes two identities apart. When everything is reduced to a bare minimum- till it becomes a routine, a programmed reaction. When its done out of getting used to and not very much out of self-will.

Or tell me, is self-will ultimately stemmed from getting used to?

2007-04-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

A good night's fun was all i needed to feel grounded. Everything sorta just levelled itself. For the first time in this week, i was not standing at the edge.

The night was amazing. Wasn't that much of the drinks or the place, but preety much the company. The few of us having dinner at arab street, sitting and talking about everything and anything that was happening in our lives, being all crazy at MOS after where we clubbed to R&B and danced to retro music. Pure good fun with no thoughts.
For once, overdued work, tests, commitments, things to do or should be done, dread was left behind, left at home where they should be.

I like.

Weekends that were meant to unwind.

I like.

Us being together like the good times. Crashing tam's place and talking till late in the night until we finally fall asleep.

I like.

Not having to worry or think about anything.

I like.

That drink with the red flashing light thingy.

``````````````````````````
Somehow i came back and felt different - better. I found the reasons for staying behind. I didnt want to miss out on life.

Somehow, i'm sedated. I'm learning to let things come and go. I'm learning to live.

And yes tam, i need to find that other Ed.

2007-03-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

its that feeling again.

I finally went back and got sucked into the beauty of things. The fictional and material characters, lookalike props, twists, stories and lives of many people twined into one space. I saw the end product of a beautifully crafted story, the people within them that've sold hours and hours of their time to make it happen- they didn't look bored or grumpy or unhappy. No doubt the long hours, weary faces and whines. Above that, you see their joy, when each characters come to life. When you sink into the moment, the stage, the space, your space. When you do the things you love doing. Seeing your ideas and pieces formualte.

That's never gonna happen. Ever.

Like someone said, i just got to move on. But how much exactly is it going to take? I'm just living day in day out trying to correct the wrongs and multiple dumb choices that i very smartly made over weeks and hopefully will stop whining about how dumb i was and still am.

Seeing it all happen in one day was just too much to take. Well thank god i wasn't alone into this. No doubt, looking back and whining wouldnt help. But having people there did. Thanks =)

I know that in months i might adopt a different perspective. I'd love whatever i was playing , the mud and everything. For now, it just ain't happening.

2007-03-28T06:38:00.000-07:00

When everything's in full swing, you just can't seem to stop.

Its like this in school, day in day out. Lecture, tutorials, cafe, library and the cycle continues. I used to do all that minus the library visits and somehow it feels so much different.
Without the crazy people , the laughter and all the talks and debates about homo, the bridge games, the 'lets all go to the balcony' , nine squares and attending front row lectures-life in school is boring.
Its the endless cycle of work and more work, me trying to be a mugger and actually do stuff in the library.

Oh, did i say, someone told me i was a prefect kinda person and to them i AM a mugger. HA. I wonder how long i can keep to that. =)

2007-03-18T07:57:00.000-07:00

The holidays flew by real fast, it's almost ending.

Had the most fun this holiday hanging out with many many ppl. Studying at esplanade, hanging out with yuran, weiqi, S07 and OG 19 outing at ECP, post- b'dae celebrations with eve and Romp 2 @ St james.

Will miss everyone that's leaving/left.

Life will be so so different just hours from now when the mugging sets in. Its soo weird that the whole mugging thing is starting so soon. I don't even think i was like this during the O's. HA

here's some random pics of the thing we did as a class.

2007-03-10T09:25:00.000-08:00

One after another, things start to fall apart.

In mere 24-48 hours, attitudes changed, people changed. No idea what went wrong or what the hell happened. The sudden changes and one word replies. 3 months of everything seemed to go with the wind. This is when they'll say that's what happens when you rely on them too much. People just screw you over and over.
Hence the theory of following through with your dreams and detaching. Friends can be temporal but decisions made are carved in stone, never to be unwritten...

Ificouldiwouldleaveandneverreturn.There'snolongerthesenseofbelonging.

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Meeting up with yuran after all the drama was good. It's like i managed to throw everything out and i finally heard honest replies. What i needed wasn't the it's okay speech. I got the cold hard truth, just what i needed to get me going.

Like he says, never stop until the fat lady screams. I'm giving it once last shot. It's everything i've got.

2007-03-08T04:57:00.000-08:00

I finally plucked the courage to correct whatever mistake i made. I ran after whatever it was i wanted and still want. I pulled out everything i got, i knew when i was there that i found where my motivation came from. James was right. What did i waste 4 years of my life for? What kept me going? Wasn't it all about the A's that could get me to a top institution?

I ran so hard i barely knew what i was doing.

And then i had to screw myself over by deciding to stop steps in front of the finishing line. I was there. I pictured myself- finally at peace. Almost as it came, insecurities and all the what if's setted in. Withdrawling from SAJC just sounded scary. I wasnt ready yet. Okay when was i ever?

For the third time in my life i felt like slapping myself. I still don't know what in the world got into me. I tried sooo hard, i knew i wanted to be there, so what held me back? Why do i always have something tugging at me? The worry of not coping, of not fitting in. These were just excuses. And so, someone else took my place and that was it. By 5 when i wasnt there, i gave everything away. My place, my dreams, my results and the whole nine yards.

That was the last ever chance i got. I had three whole friggin times to change everything. And down to the last one, i still messed everything up. Tonnes of people (including myself) are screaming at me now. Some are just trying to say nice stuff to cheer me up, but i guess we all know why.

thegrassissomehowalwaysgreenerelsewhere..............

oh well. doesnt it all boil down to my smart decisions?

2007-03-07T05:01:00.000-08:00

Everything feels like it has re-setted. The same buildings, things and places. But different events, feelings and people all together. Just two days ago, we were stepping into school dreading long 1.5 hour chem lectures, trying to make each other pon maths tutorial. Just mere 48 hours later, we were once again different people grouped together for 3 days, trying to find fun in things we've done months before. We're doing the same things, yet somehow its not the same. Everyone's here and there, people are crashing in and out of OG's, finding ways and means to skip anything, anything at all. There's no 'OMG, i can't wait for tomorrow!'.
Thank god i still managed to crash OG22. If not it would have been sooo boring.

On a lighter note, yesterday was fun. Before everything changed and people re-settled into their new schools, we stole one last day of fun. Although we were very much just playing cards mahjong and hanging out, it was cool. Went to town then serenas' house then back to P.S again for dinner. Will miss 07So7!!! and all the wonderful people. =)

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Up till today, there's still that gnawing thought at the back of my head. Are my choices at the end of the day right? It's so weird that i always come to this point and not dare do anything about it. Think i let it slip by and it's so far off , i have no strength left to run after it. Now i know what i wanted 6 weeks ago.
Butwhatthehellitdoesntmatteranymore.

2007-03-04T00:39:00.000-08:00

Ever had that feeling you were expecting something to happen? Ever had that feeling where you knew that something wasn't right but there was nothing you could do to stop it? And when it happens, it's scary. Cause you were willing yourself to believe that it was all in your head and nothing was gonna happen.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Was there a time, when you wanted something so badly yet you couldn't get it? Imagine the Birken when you just couldn't get through to the sales assistant. When you didnt have any connections that could put you on the list. When you knew your only way was through your friend. Yet once your back turned, you knew she immediately crossed your name out of the list. She wasn't gonna let you wait 5 years and let you get it, she wanted you to wait, 10 , no 20. Till your hair was grey and that Birken didn't matter no more. What would you do?

2007-02-28T05:29:00.001-08:00

No idea when it started to pour. Somehow, the rain seems to have a particular connection. Weird but true. How i wish i wasn't seventeen, then perhaps i could jump around in the rain without being called crazy. How i wished i could just lie there...

For now, it's still the crowding under someone else's umbrella and try not and be drenched kinda time. Even so, i walked home under the pouring rain and somehow that seemed like the perfect thing to do. It's been so long since i ever felt this way.

When something dearest to you seems to be on the verge of being taken away. what do you do??? That magazine on the rack on the verge of being snatched-by someone you never imagine would have.
You make a mad dash and hopefully it ain't too late.

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Perhaps i already figured out whatever's going on inside that head of mind. I just don't seem to understand what it all means. I try not to let it drift into my head. i try to block out everything i didnt need to hear cause- what you dont know wouldn't hurt you. And its true. I sorta guessed that would be how things would turn out. I knew that the decision was made long before. Just that it would make it look better if i took it in parts.

Itdoesn'tmattertome.Ohwhoamikidding.

2007-02-26T06:56:00.000-08:00

Walking through the familiar streets, i wanted to find my ground. The feeling of adrendaline rush, the alluring scent of slashed price tags, the rushing from one place to another and never having enough time. I wanted to feel the buzz of town. I wanted to feel like i felt before. Retail therapy---it cured me just like before . At least for a moment =)

It's one of those days where i just wanted to sleep everything away......

One of those days where i left things unsettled, hoping that they'd resolve themselves. Yet turning around to find things the way they were, only a tad more complicated. Random thoughts flying in and out of my head, i never did get the chance to figure anything out. A moment of silence was all i asked for, yet the silence made things worse. I never got the chance to pour out the things i wanted to say cause the more i tried, the more lashings i got back. I kept hearing the words i never needed to hear. I defended myself and finally fell silent. I got the silence i wanted yet somehow it sounds scarier. Turns out, it was the opposite of everything i wanted.

Come to think of it, it all sounded wrong. Everything was so weird it didnt make any sense. No idea what your reasons were. But still, it was clear enough for me to understand.

inowknowthatsomedayifievergoawaythere'dbesomeoneeagerenoughtotakemyplace
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2007-02-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

With whatever she had on and nothing else, she went on. Aimlessly, looking for the next sign. At times like these there were no traffic lights, no road blocks. The road was strangely empty. She wanted to run to where the sun was bright, the beach was beautiful and the waters calm. She wanted to stare at the scenery with breeze blowing gently in her hair........

Something felt wrong, strangely out of place. She didn't know what more to do, she just ran.

letthewindsclaimme

2007-02-17T07:04:00.000-08:00

Friday was eventful.

Celebrations were as usual. Sat around, watched performances, stoned and slacked around. Wonder how i'm gonna spend this kinda days once wanxin's gone.

Once the MC's announced the end of celebrations, zj and i immediately went outta school and headed for town. Last min new year shopping proved un-fruitful. I just wasn't getting the new year vibe. Didnt feel like anything red/orange/pink/nice. Went around all the shops not liking anything.

It's really really strange. Since the year started, i've never been feeling the shopping vibe. It's as if i've lost my senses. Am in a weird space. The me now seems just a little outta place. I'm not somewhere i'm used to. I'm still out and about, but i feel different somehow. Coffees at liat, rushing from shops to shops, never having enough time for anything - seems long and far away. God knows what's up with me. Am feeling the rainy days and hot chocolate by the window. Leave me in a room filled with good music and i'll be happy. Transition, transition......

Ended up, we were done at 2 and decided to join the guys for pool AGAIN. I swear that place is my second home. Ohhh.. but I WON BOTH JERICO AND WEIHAO!!! Eve joined us before her date, went for a quick dinner and headed back. Managed to take a shower and immediately got pulled out to clarke quay for drinks. Below are some random pics at 'clinic' which preety much sums up my night.

Our 'sickbed'.

Really does look like a ward doesn't it ?

Anita.

Cam-whoring with Qing Yun.The little cute bottle i drank my 'blood' from.

Oooo.. And my dose from the hot nurse.

2007-02-14T04:54:00.000-08:00

Loads and loads of life-changing stuff happened in just mere days...

Whatever i strongly held on to the past years, i managed to let go - the thoughts and holding back. I'm just glad it happened. =) Every second of it.

Shocking news is - I GOT 7 FOR MY O'S!!! Believe it. The years of mugging and complaining, regretting i didnt try hard enough paid off. The hours in front of chem, amaths,emaths and phy tys proved useful. Wearing that green skirt and being in that brand new campus everyone wanted to enter no longer a dream or a wish never meant to be fufilled. Worries about not being able to wear the grey uniform vanished. I could actually get into them.

The funny thing is, now that it's attainable, i no longer feel the sudden urge to name myself a rafflesian or a nationalist. Or maybe i do, just that the fear of re-adapting and thought of leaving everyone else behind kept me back. Maybe in two years time, i'll be back here regretting not going into any of those schools. I know deep down that it was a dream, to get into somewhere where my path was going to be secured, to be in somewhere where my dad would be proud of me. I knew a long time ago, i wanted to get in there so badly. I wanted to be able to tell my brothers and my cousins that their hopes on me were not wasted- that i managed to finish off what they never managed to do. But life, never does go the way we plan ,does it?

Am officially a S.A.I.N.T now. My heart is a little shaky but nonetheless i know this is where my heart brought me. I know perhaps i'm staying for all the wrong reasons-my friends/bffs/pals but time will tell. I might not be doing the rightest thing, but i guess i will be happy here.

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The past few days went by a like summer breeze. Saturday was a day out at zj's place busy baking valentine cookies and having dinner with eve before joining my bro for soccer. Sunday was a group outing which ended with seoul garden and a nice view of the night sky. Eve came over that night and we went on doing our usuals on Monday. Slacking around my place, cooking and just doing nothing at all. Tuesday was feeling sick day. Had a really bad flu and everything attached to it. Good thing was I WON BOTH CHENG XIANG AND ZEMIN!!! which ultimately cheered me up. OG dinner was at fish and co.

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My next valentine, i wonder where i'd be...........

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Just some pics before we got our results.

Thats's how nice Anderson is now. They even have cool study corners.

2404!!! Awaiting our results.

Us trying to get some good karma from ZY. Ha =)

And how can we not have the BFF picture.

2007-02-07T05:41:00.000-08:00

Ha. This is kinda overdue. But ya. Sunday was slacking day at my bro's place. Went for a swim and hung out abit.

Me and eve at cosy bay where i met long time friend - Billson who was working there. Ha. Funny experience =) Anyways. It was cool.

Its amazing how time and distance didn't matter to us. Cause we're still as close as ever, picking up wherever we left off.

2007-02-07T05:22:00.000-08:00

This pretty much sums up my life in the past few days. Ha. Lessons were preety much just about cam-whoring and 'studying'.

That's Kat and me. Wanxin's squashed in between cause she refused to take a picture. I bet Kristie's thinking what the hell were we doing.

Yep, thats good old Wanxin.

That's a typical scenario in class. See the difference between the hardworking people and the slackers at the back?? =P
Was soooo bored during physics tutorial that i fiddled with my camera at the back. Ha. Wanxin ditched me that day.

My bro was supposed to bring me for a checkup on MONDAY but he came super late and i ended up not going for it. That's him being inefficient. Thank god someone was being super nice and decided to wait with me =)

TUESDAY was quite a weird day. Don't ask me why. Anyways, zj went with me to the clinic at amk and we walked around amk central. Its so friggin unfair that the mall's ready now. And it has SUBWAY in it!! Think about the days when all we had was kfc and mac's.

And lessons today were super boring. Was falling asleep half of the time. Ha. But we finally got a picture of the four SAINTS/J2/retainee wannabes....

2007-02-06T07:40:00.000-08:00

Am in one of those moments where my life looked like a black and white movie, played two times slower. Every emotion displayed and magnified. I'm sitting among the audience, watching as every event unfold. I'm not feeling what she's feeling. I'm not judging her.

At times like these, we sleep it away, silently hoping that life never catches up. We stay still and hopefully if we're quiet enough, that tear might just slip pass. And life will go on.

When we cross paths with fate, the unexpectable happens. And when it happens, i won't be surprised.

2007-02-03T08:37:00.000-08:00

Met up with eve at P.S today. =) Missed her soo soo much! Ha. It was nice catching up. We're gonna make it to the same school the next time ya?

Us looking good, as always =p. Ha.

Caught that for memories sake. =)
And now we're just cam-whoring .

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Went on a mini journey in town earlier on...

On the rooftop where the wind was blowing and the stars were bright.

The vomitting merlion that everyone wants to see.. Arts house.
I'm sure i was here last christmas =)

random void.

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Never did find the right time or the right words. There's just so much to say that goes unspoken...

2007-02-02T21:12:00.001-08:00

Its high time i updated. Loads and loads of amazing stuff happened. Ha. And i miraculously got my net back on. =)

Wed --- X-country
The once a year bonding event where we either end up running away amidst the bushes or stroll through the park with our pals and pals to be. This years cross country was no different. Our CG bonding ended up to include wanxin , kat and wanyi. The rest of the girls just ended up running. Anyways the real 'fun' came when we went to crowded subway at ECP that ran out of bread, bacon and lettuce. Hungry people with no food. Need i say more??? After getting over half- toasted sandwiches, the rest of us went over to play pool. HA. And this time I WON CHENG XIANG. =)=) Seriously have no idea how i get chances like these. Pool was fun as i attempted to be 'tai-ko' and try and act like i know what im doing while the real players play. Had amazing company which was all that mattered. The day didnt end there. After wanxin had to go meet her beloved, zemin leave for his match, chengxiang to his heartland mall we ended up going shopping with iven, which was so funny and weird cause i didnt know guys shopped! Apparently in SA they do and that's super cool. Imgaine many many more shopping partners...

Morning sun @ East coast.Wanxin and i entertaining ourselves. =)

And yes, that's us trying to navigate in East Coast.

Thursday
was feeling emo day. Ha. But thankfully for all the wonderful people around me the day ended good. Okay no. AMAZING. Went to vivo right after school and some big kid brought me to Toys'R Us so that i could be amazed by the toys there. Hate to admit it, but it really is kid's heaven. Spent nearly and hour day gawking at the new and improved versions of the toys i used to have. It was fun. Ha. But i have to say beforehand, im not kid =) unlike someone. Spent hours up on the roof area, watching the day go by. That was one of those times you wished the day would stop there and then. That you could sit there with wind in your face and you were happy doing nothing at all.
Next half of the day was no less interesting. 07S07 had dinner at Fish and co. Hours filled of fun, food and loads and loads of cam-whoring. Ha. We were virtually putting our heads into random pictures here and there and creating a din - which was FUN! Gathering shifted to place of all happiness - Ben and jerry's where we smartly used to class fun to order twenty scoops of ice cream. Cam-whoring continued, we listened to the people jam and ate ice cream. The whole bunch of us were only willing to leave at 10 plus. Was super tired. But it was well worth it. =)

Yeap. I am.

07S07 with Ms Leong That's us cam- whoring in Fish and Co.

Again.

Kat and SharonMarkKai jie, Joseph, Pee Hua and meDon't you just love the prints on the pillow =P Girlfriend!!!Crazy over Ben and jerry's.

Friday
was supposed to be wear the SA uniform and cam whore day. But thanks to that smart zemin who refused to end his basketball game even though wanxin called out for him twice, we ended up eating chicken rice at potong pasir. Ha. Oh did i mention he sprained his leg and had to use crutches? And didnt know how to tie the ice bag properly and made the whole thing spill on the floor and wet cheng xiang's bag? That's the thing funny friends do. Ha. It was a waste wanxin couldnt be there. Her words of comfort would have meant more ya?

At this point in time i'm thankful for all the wonderful people i've met and the great times i've had- Wanxin, eugene, zemin, chengxiang and the entire 07S07. =)

2007-01-30T06:33:00.000-08:00

Hmmm lets see... My phone was close to dying yesterday so i sent it for repair. And thanks to a smart-ass, i got it back a day earlier =)=)=) HAHA. Really think all my brain cells died after consecutive days of physics and math tutorials. Seriously speaking, my mind is blank. I just know that i had fun hanging out with the WONDERFUL people around me. Would'nt trade anything for the times i had. And even if, after all the persuading and hoping, we still go our seperate ways, i really hope we'd remember whatever we had.
Have been out and about everyday since last week. Thurs was lunch in P.S, Fri was dinner with the usuals, Sat was IMM thing , Sun was out 'studying' day , Mon, was subway and phone-fixing in town, Walked around P.S AGAIN and went to collect my phone today, Tomorrow's cross country and outing with 'OG 19', CG dinner at Cartel this Thursday, and lunch again this Friday. Ha. See what i mean.

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Never thought i'd be sucked into all this all over again. Seems weird that it's actually happening now and i can't explain why and how and what. Still in the midst of the guessing game and am nowhere close to the end. And for this Tam gave me the'best ever advice she'd ever given to anyone' - ''We tend to regret the things that we never did''

2007-01-28T06:05:00.000-08:00

In life, there's the never ending journey of finding that perfect bag. However we hate to admit it, that LV bag's going to be there. Yes, its boring and predictable but sitting on top of the shelve, it's there forever with its lifetime warranty, never backing out. At some point, the urge of getting that current 'It' bag sets in. The Fendi spy , that balanciaga - flashy, interesting and fun. But is that what we're looking for??? Three years down the road, the spy bag's gonna be old news. The thrill dies out and you're out again searching for another. Somewhere deep inside we know what we're seeking isn't that heat-of-the-moment thrill. What we want is something we can always fall back on, the comfort that it's always going to be there. And in the midst of all that, i'll be on this path, finding my way to the timeless Birkin.

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Weekends. Weekends. Feel good and Fun.
Friday night was good. Got my way out of the m'sia trip. Had dinner with the usual, plus tonnes of catching up. Ha. Tam and weiqi came over for a sleepover. We cooked, ate truffles and re-watched SATC. =)
Had to drag myself out of bed the next day to meet zemin,cheng xiang and eugene at IMM. Wanxin decided to be lazy and left me alone there. Sunday was good too, managed to 'study' for my chem test and had great company. XD Shall leave all my blogging for tomorrow cause i'm dead tired.

2007-01-25T06:04:00.000-08:00

Dont you just love the rain??? The drizzles and the sudden downpours, predictable yet unpredictable. When the wind blows, it passes through you and you feel awake. You're standing alone watching as life passes by. You're tranquil and at peace - at least for that moment. You're wishing that you'll stay in limbo. That things will pause right there and then. You're half believing in the rainbow after the rain. Hoping that perhaps if you stayed a little longer, things will be different. Yet you're unsure what it all means.

Maybe the sky will clear and it'll be sunny again . By then, you'll be sitting by the window hoping that it'll rain once again. Hoping that you'll catch a glimpse of the arc of seven colours in the sky.

2007-01-24T06:09:00.000-08:00

Am super friggin tired right now. But i guess it was well worth it. Can't believe i'm actually WANTING to go for the next training and am trying to find ways not to go to KL this weekend. Cause if i dont go for it, i get to go for touch rug orientation this fri, the friendly match on sat and OG 19's thing at IMM.

Lessons in school were as usual. Preety much just sat through everything without really absorbing. Ha. But its funny how i'm getting sucked into everything all over again. Thought i'd never fit into anything here and was that close to detaching. And guess what, i don't feel like it anymore. This place seems fine. Am not running back to my comfort zone of the stage and the plays. Am actually trying out something entirely different and liking it. =)

------------------------------------

It's hard not to think about what's going to happen next. The next step seems tough. The thought of weighing and letting go seems painful. Am i willing to compromise distance for that sense of belonging? Would i stay for the people? And if i left, what would i be bring along? Would i leave without ever knowing or am i supposed to take a chance at whatever's left??? This time - You tell me.

2007-01-23T03:14:00.000-08:00

Was on the way back with Wanxin on the train just now when we saw a weird bunch of convent girls. They somehow decided to stop walking when they reached our cabin and placed themselves right in our line of vision. First thing that struck me was the slab of thick foundation on all of their faces and eyeliner. It started us the both of us on the topic of how lame it was to wake up at five in the morning just to put on makeup for school. Seriously, why bother. No one's gonna bother right? Then out of nowhere this guy with orange coloured explosive hair squatting at the side caught our attention. Needless to say, he was one of their boyfriends and his hair was really hilarious. Wan xin couldn't stop laughing at it. They were then joined by this i-look-so-damn-cool girl who was talking on the phone. We were about to stop being mean and move on to talk about what we were going to do after 1st three months until she turned around and said to her friend, '' I need to sneeze la, knn'' . I was like what?! Tried to supress my chuckle and gave up halfway after wanxin broke out in laughter once again. And you know the best part. The girls weren't carrying any textbooks or anything and instead on one of their arms was a marie clarie's hair and makeup book. Ha. I never knew they taught such stuff in school nowadays. =)

Its times like these i look back and thank the heavens that yuran and tam pulled me out of all the nonsensical stuff i did back in the early days. I really wonder if i had been like that once before. Seriously hope not. It's kinda scary.

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In three weeks from now, would we really eventually drift away into our own world??? Would we be in a world on our own once again, without the few people that touched our hearts and stepped into our lives. Perhaps we were brought together to be torn apart like we were brought to life to await death.

Perhaps it's the cold hard fact that it will be this way, no matter how much we try to resist. But it's human nature to resist change. To cling onto whatever's left and hope that things won't fade away with time. Like a child holding on tightly to the sand in her hands...

Maybe you're right, it is not that easy to hold on to something like this unless there's something special or some link and as much as I don't want it to... it will be this way. And there'd be nothing i can do to change it.

So for now we'll just cling onto whatever's left and perhaps time will slow down and perhaps then, it wouldn't be that tough...

2007-01-22T04:50:00.000-08:00

School's same old same old. Tutorials, lectures and more work.

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Detaching------- that's what it says on zj's nick. And perhaps i'm trying to too. Its funny how your mind and heart plays games with you. For a second you thought you were ready to leave, ready to move on to somewhere. You try telling yourself that the canteen food isn't that good after all, the friends here might not be the ones that'd be there at the end of the day and facilities didn't really matter. Like i said you try. And even if i were able to put aside the materialism of facilities, food and teachers, there's something deep inside that's stirring my decisions.

I have a gnawing thought at the back of my head. There are in fact things that i'm not ready to leave behind. Perhaps i might be able to say it's all fine, maybe in a couple of weeks or months i'd be fine. I'd take it that nothing ever happened and i was still the same person. But for now, it seems like there's something calling out my name, compelling me to leave that door open. The path of running back i still want to keep open. I refuse to lock that door and put everything else at the back of my head. I would'nt want to leave with regrets. I wouldn't want to leave without ever knowing.

When all the decision's done and the form's submitted, it'll be too late for anything. There'd be no turning back and banging on the door crying. I'm half sure i'm not staying, logically speaking it's far, too far in fact. But if i said i was willing to stay for all the wrong reasons, would you believe me??? No idea what exactly's holding me back.....okay no i'm kidding, i do know. And i know i'd get killed and screamed at for it. Ha.